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23 December 2010 @ 12:44 am
Hello All!  
I've been lurking for awhile but no posts have been made, so I figured I'd try to post something that's been bothering me for awhile.

I won't bore you with the long version of this story (unless someone asks), but the basics of it is that my (former) friend came out of the closet, I freaked out, ended the friendship because I was angry for other things and also being my being so obsessed with her sexuality, found out this past summer she was in a relationship with a girl and I cried my little eyes out. Talked to a friend who noticed I was talking about her like I would an ex, and asked if I had feelings for her.

Since then I've been trying to figure it all out. I did wonder about feelings for her when in high school, but always said "NO" instantly without thinking deeply about why that question would come to mind (more than once). All the evidence I've gathered could go one way or the other. Some points strongly support I was just being an ass while some of the other points strongly support me being an ass that just happened to have feelings for her that I hid from myself for a long time.

I've never been with a girl, I've had what could be considered a crush (but I'm not sure on that either) a MtF person though. The thing is, is that outside of these two ladies who I'm not even sure I crushed on just yet, I haven't crushed on other girls. Typically with guys I've had to get to know them before crushing on them (I think I've only crushed on one guy based on looks alone), and because I'm having a hard time meeting people at all on my campus I don't know if I would now be able to recognize a crush on a girl instantly now.

So my question to you guys is how did you know you were flexual? Did you struggle with it for awhile going back and forth between gay/straight and flexual? For those who considered themselves straight before finding these other parts of themselves, was it scary for you too? My friend thinks that I'm afraid to say I'm attracted to girls as well because I'm convinced it'd change my entire life (which I am) and my personality (as I've seen in person with people coming out of the closet). Did (or do you) you ever just not feel queer enough to belong to the lgbt community?

Also, are there any people out there who are flexual but haven't really acted on it but still maintain that you are flexual?

Thank you for reading this and I'll elaborate on anything you want me to. Hope I made this clear enough too D:
Current Mood: curiouscurious
Polo Moloslartibartfast on December 24th, 2010 01:12 am (UTC)
I have always struggled with defining what I am and that's why I think flexual works better than any of the standard terms. Sometimes I'm all about women, sometimes I'm all about men, sometimes it's equal, sometimes it's neither. And gender is so complicated too that I wouldn't want to say 'bisexual' because I'd be happy with other less clear cut gender identities than the standard two. However none of this changes from the fact I'm in a happy monogomous relationship with another woman.

I think it's easy to not feel queer enough and I don't think you should worry about that at all. You are queer basically just for considering this topic. We're all friends here. :) The LGBT community isn't accepting in all its forms, but that doesn't mean it can't be a positive force in your life.

It sounds to me you've mostly been in denial and it's good that you're recognising this and working through it. That comes through that you think you'll change forever by coming out or whatever when that's not the case at all. You say people have changed when they've come out: are you sure it's not just that they've shown all of themselves, not just the bits they'd been able to show you before that? Are you sure it's not your perception of them changing? Because I know I'm not sharing my whole self if I don't share my sexuality and what it influences about my life.

You don't have to act on it to be flexual. Even aromantic asexuals could be flexual (sort of)!
gunsofporn on December 24th, 2010 04:32 am (UTC)
It might be my perception. My most clearest example would be a former male friend of mine. I always knew he was gay through word of mouth so I knew off the bat. When he personally came out to me though, any jokes where I was jokingly flirting he suddenly countered with "But I'm gay so that won't happen".

Other friends would simply keep talking about their newfound lifestyle and how great it was and (my former friend said that) that all straight girls were neurotic while all gay women were confident. It seemed like suddenly anything that she used to identify with was bad and being queer was good and that queer people were above straight people because straights were insecure but queers weren't.

That's mostly what I mean by changing. I don't want to suddenly think that a sexual orientation is above another, but I feel like because all of my gay friends did it, it's something I'm going to go through too by even acknowledging or accepting I might be fluid.

I'll try not to worry about not feeling queer enough. I guess I felt like, as soon I acknowledged the possibility of it then suddenly have more attraction than what I started off with to women, as this also happened to former friends of mine. Once they realized their sexuality they were attracted to many people and dating those people, while I haven't.

Also, thank you for replying to my entry! It certainly helped :D I just wish I got stamped on the forehead or something so this would be easier, I guess.
Matthew Pocketcookie GodfreyMatthew Pocketcookie Godfrey on April 8th, 2011 12:20 am (UTC)
oh THAT'S what you meant :)
well people go through different stages with their personality
*asexual (pre puberty not attracted to anyone)

learning (figuring out your sexual orientation)

realization (i am gay or i am straight or i am bi or i am whatever)

flaunting (with gay people this is when it almost seems like you can't have a conversation with out it coming up and with straight people it's more visual like hickeys and public displays of affection or maybe that's what she said kind of jokes this is where your friend is at)

recognition (you say this is a part of me but it isn't the most important part and it might not come up for a few months even with your best friend)
Matthew Pocketcookie GodfreyMatthew Pocketcookie Godfrey on April 8th, 2011 12:07 am (UTC)
well i'm not really flexual :/
i'm gay and i've always know i'm gay BUT i do know that first of all id doesn't change your life (pretty much) when i came out everyone was fine with it nothing really changed except i felt better about myself and i could hit on guys :3
and your personality wont change :) there are a few reasons why it might have with your friend
1. they were changing their personality before she came out because it was the were worried that oh if i say or act like or do that people might think i'm gay and so they steered away from what made them feel comfortably and themselves but now that they don't have to they don't :/
2. they got a girlfriend... lots of stuff changes when u get a girlfriend or boyfriend
and as for not feeling queer enough not it's very hard not to be queer enough :)
most people in the lgbt community (except for the transsexuals and transvestites)are completely normal and you would never guess they were ^_^
also i never struggled with my sexuality and i have always been comfortable with it... i've just not always been comfortable with other people KNOWING it
i hope i could help a little sorry i don't really have anything for the struggling with my sexuality part >.